Emily Barclay spent three and a half years trying to understand what was happening to her before getting answers about perimenopause.

That experience led her to set up Perimenopausehub.com in 2019.

What Emily originally imagined might help a few thousand women has since grown into a community of more than 160,000 people — many arriving with the same realisation: they are not the only person experiencing what they are going through.

Alexander Clementine founder Alex Perry spoke with Emily about misconceptions around perimenopause, unexpected symptoms, tracking, identity, the importance of community and why her biggest piece of advice is simply to get to know your own body.

Key takeaways

Emily Barclay’s perimenopause advice: perimenopause is about much more than hot flushes; unexpected experiences can include dryness, itchiness and increased sensitivity; tracking can help women recognise individual patterns and establish what is normal for them; recognising better days as well as difficult ones can provide perspective; supportive communities need kindness and space for vulnerability; feeling taken seriously by doctors, partners and workplaces remains a common concern; and Emily’s central advice is to listen to your body and work with it rather than fighting against it.

What is the biggest misconception about perimenopause?

Emily’s answer is immediate:

“That it’s all hot flushes.”

She says the idea persists that if somebody is not experiencing hot flushes, their symptoms cannot have anything to do with menopause.

That can leave other experiences overlooked.

Emily specifically mentions anxiety and brain fog and says women can also assume perimenopause cannot be relevant because they are still having periods.

She sees another misconception around age.

Women may hear the average age associated with menopause and assume anything happening significantly earlier cannot be connected.

For Emily, that overlooks the fact that an average does not describe every individual experience.

What unexpected perimenopause symptoms does Emily see women discussing?

When asked what symptoms surprise women in her community, Emily highlights dryness and itchiness.

“The ones that really catch people out are the sort of dryness symptoms.”

Her examples include:

“Itchy ears, dry eyes, dry mouth.”

Emily also talks about increased sensitivity.

She mentions misophonia — sensitivity to certain sounds — and describes becoming much less tolerant of physical discomfort herself.

“I cannot abide any sort of waistband anymore.”

She says she also sees women asking:

“How do I find a bra that doesn’t feel like a torture device?”

For Emily, these are examples of changes that may feel completely unrelated until women begin talking to others experiencing similar things.

At the same time, she is clear that symptoms should not automatically be dismissed as hormonal.

“I’m never saying dismiss a symptom because, ‘Oh well, it must be perimenopause.’”

Her advice is still to get symptoms checked while being aware that hormonal change may form part of the conversation.

What does Emily wish she had known when perimenopause began?

One word:

“Tracking.”

Emily says that when her symptoms began changing, she did not have a baseline for understanding what was normal for her.

“I didn’t even have a baseline to understand where normal was.”

She had never paid much attention to the different stages of her menstrual cycle or how her energy, appetite or mood might change.

Looking back:

“I wish that I had tracked forever.”

For Emily, tracking became a way of moving from feeling that symptoms appeared randomly to beginning to recognise patterns.

Why does Emily think symptom tracking is so valuable?

When Alex asks what she has learned about tracking, Emily says:

“It’s everything. It’s just everything.”

Her own experience with rage is one example.

Emily describes suddenly experiencing intense anger despite not considering herself an angry person.

“This rage would just descend.”

Initially, it felt outside her control.

“That was terrifying.”

Once she began tracking, Emily started noticing patterns around when the rage appeared and other circumstances surrounding it.

Over time, she says she also began noticing smaller signals from her body.

Eventually she did not need to track as religiously because she had learned to recognise those cues herself.

“I’ve got to know what my body is telling me.”

Can tracking help women recognise good days as well as difficult ones?

This is another reason Emily values it.

She sees women in her community feeling as though a particular symptom is affecting them continuously.

Anxiety is one example.

But Emily says looking back at a record can sometimes reveal that difficult days are interspersed with better ones.

“Tracking starts to help you see that it isn’t as bleak as it might feel on the bleak days.”

She also describes noticing combinations of signs herself — disrupted sleep, clumsiness or anger — which help her recognise what might be happening even now that her periods are less predictable.

“Understanding what the signs are, from having tracked, is huge.”

How can tracking help when talking to a doctor?

Emily’s own route to understanding her perimenopause was lengthy.

“I went to the doctor 13 times before the word perimenopause came up.”

She believes having data available can help both the woman and the healthcare professional understand what has been happening over time.

Emily describes how easy it can be to enter a short appointment and forget important symptoms or focus entirely on whichever concern comes to mind first.

Tracking can create a record before the conversation begins.

For Emily, that makes it easier to identify whether different experiences appear at different points rather than relying entirely on memory during the appointment.

What do women struggle with when they first realise they may be in perimenopause?

Emily says there is no single answer.

One reaction she sees is:

“What the hell, I’m nowhere near old enough for this.”

For some women, recognising the transition can also bring questions around fertility.

Others immediately connect menopause with ageing.

But Emily believes an even deeper difficulty can be a feeling of losing control over who you are.

“Things are changing, and it’s out of my control.”

And:

“I’m losing who I was.”

Emily does not necessarily see that change as negative.

But she says:

“It takes some coming to terms with.”

Can perimenopause also become a positive transition?

Emily compares the transition with puberty.

The person somebody was at 11 is not exactly the same person they become at 17 or 18.

She sees menopause as another transition where expecting to emerge completely unchanged ignores the fact that a transition has taken place.

Emily says she sees women eventually reaching a much clearer sense of themselves.

“I have boundaries now, and I don’t take any shit from anybody, and this is me.”

She also sees women deciding:

“This is now time for me.”

For some, that means returning to basic questions about their own life.

“What I need, who I am, what I want.”

For Emily, the path towards that point can feel daunting, but the outcome can be positive.

What conversations come up most often in the Perimenopause Hub?

Emily does not identify one single dominant topic.

Instead, several versions of the same question repeatedly appear:

“How on earth do I get my doctor to take me seriously?”

Or:

“How on earth do I get my husband or partner to take me seriously?”

And:

“How do I get my workplace to take me seriously?”

For Emily, this reflects women feeling that their experiences are not always being recognised by the people around them.

What makes a perimenopause community genuinely supportive?

Emily’s answer is another single word:

“Kindness.”

She says people need to feel able to talk honestly about experiences that can leave them feeling extremely vulnerable.

“There is literally no point having a community group if people can’t show up as themselves.”

And:

“Be vulnerable.”

Emily wants the Perimenopause Hub to be a place where somebody can discuss even an extremely difficult day without being attacked or belittled.

She believes that sort of environment can also give people more confidence to seek help elsewhere.

“The importance of community is the importance of knowing that there is a community that will support you, not a community that will turn against you.”

Why can knowing you are not alone matter?

Emily says new people regularly enter the community after thinking their experience is strange or unique.

When other women respond saying they have experienced the same thing, that can provide validation.

Emily describes the shift as:

“I’m not the only one.”

That recognition can reduce the feeling of isolation surrounding a symptom and may make somebody more willing to discuss it with a healthcare professional.

For Emily, this is one of the central purposes of the community.

What would Emily say to men supporting someone through perimenopause?

Her first word is:

“Listen.”

Emily acknowledges the instinct to try to solve a problem immediately.

But:

“Sometimes we just need people to listen, and just let us get it out.”

A solution can come later.

What may be needed initially is simply:

“That safe space to let it out.”

Emily also warns against turning somebody else’s menopause experience into a joke.

“If the person going through menopause isn’t laughing, please don’t make them a joke.”

And when somebody describes what they are experiencing, Emily recommends not imposing another person’s experience onto them.

Instead:

“Create a safe space for them to just be.”

For partners, her advice is similarly practical.

Sometimes the question can simply be:

“How’s today?”

Or:

“Do you need anything today?”

What is Emily Barclay’s biggest piece of advice for perimenopause?

Emily finishes where she began:

“It’s tracking. It’s always tracking.”

Her advice is:

“Get to know your own body and what is going on.”

For Emily, tracking does not have to become obsessive or complicated.

She also recommends simply stopping briefly during the day and asking:

“What do I need right now?”

That might be food, water, fresh air or something else.

The important part is becoming curious about what your body is telling you.

“There’s no right or wrong to it at all.”

The more someone begins noticing patterns, Emily believes the more they can:

“Get yourself ahead of the game.”

Her final description captures the philosophy behind her whole interview:

“You’re working with your body then, rather than just fighting against it.”

About Emily Barclay

Emily Barclay runs Perimenopausehub.com, which she set up in 2019 after spending three and a half years trying to find answers about her own experience of perimenopause.

The community has since grown to more than 160,000 people.

Emily’s work centres on creating a supportive space where women can talk openly about perimenopause, recognise that they are not alone and learn from the experiences of others.

This conversation forms part of Alexander Clementine’s Expert Conversations, sharing first-hand perspectives from people working in and speaking about menopause and women’s health.